I’m rife with insecurity. It manifests itself as laziness, as self-righteousness, as hyper-criticalness, as impatience, as rigidity. The list is endless. It's true that I can be a lot of fun, but I can also be a real bitch.
I’m sure I could keep a shrink busy for a long, long time, but I haven't gone that route. Probably because I’m aware of my issues and therefore I don't need anyone telling me what I already know. Arrogance. Others insist I'd benefit from it, and they’re probably right. I’m just scared that it would confirm all the bad things I already believe about myself. Fear.
Going to church is a form of therapy for me, because it always gives me something to think about, to ponder, to work on. I went today for the first time since June. Summer vacation and all. I guess I don't want to reflect upon my weaknesses and my failures during the warm months. They're readily apparent when I don a bathing suit. I don’t need any further affirmation.
I'm interested in seeing where the theme at church this fall -- The Ties That Bind --takes us. Obviously it's about community, about loving one's neighbor. So says Miss Smarty Pants. Today's sermon was about fear and how it keeps us from living fully.
Perhaps the root of many of my issues is fear: fear of not being smart enough, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of people not liking me, fear of being vulnerable, fear not only of not being good enough but of not being perfect. I have my theories about where my fear comes from, but in the end it's my fear and mine alone and I have to learn how to manage it, how to tame it, if I want to live the life that God intends for me, that I want. That makes huge sense to me.
I need to stay engaged in my life, not let my fear keep me locked up in the house and away from community. If I put myself out there, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me at times, something good usually comes of it. I learn something. As I heard Sarah Jessica Parker say once on the radio, “We have to say yes to the hard stuff. When your first inclination is to say no to something because it’s too hard, that’s the thing you have to do.” Or something like that. Hers is not necessarily the life I want to emulate, but she does have great style. Love the shoes.
In today’s culture, it’s not always easy to talk about religion and its meaning in your life, but I’m going to say it. My church is a community that I'm proud to be a member of, a community that renews me and refreshes me and challenges me and encourages me. Often all I want to do on Sunday morning is stay in my ugly pajamas and hang out at home. That’s the easy thing. Going to church requires more of a commitment, an engagement, and sometimes it feels hard, but it’s good for me; it helps me live my life more fully. I need to make more of an effort to get there.
No fear.
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